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Madden NFL 10: OMG WTF!?

January 15, 2010 2 comments

In the game Madden NFL 10 there’s a mode called Superstar, where you play your character from his humble beginnings as a rookie all the way through his career. It’s like the game’s ubiquitous franchise mode, only you follow a specific player instead of the functions of owning a team.

And oh. My. God. This thing has the worst fucking ending of anything I’ve ever seen.

In previous editions of Superstar, when you were done with your character, you could call your agent and announce your retirement. Bing, bang, boom. Done. You’d see your Superstar (or rather a generic sketch of a dude on a podium), get a quick little ditty on his career statistics, and you’d get to see whether you fulfilled the goal set at the beginning of the mode: earning immortality by being enshrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

I just played my Superstar through 19 backbreaking seasons of football. It’s like current Vikings QB Brett Favre, if Favre had never retired. The game would not LET me retire him for some reason, so he just kept playing. Over the years, he accumulated over 60,000 yards passing (third most of any quarterback in history), 530 touchdown passes (most all-time), 9 Pro Bowl selections, an MVP award, and 3 Offensive Player of the Year awards, as well as a lifetime quarterback rating of 93.5 (seventh-best). My biggest accomplishment, by far, is the record FIVE Super Bowl rings my Star won, with three different teams. My resume should be headed to Canton engraved in silver and wrapped in a silk blanket. You know how the game rewards me for this success?

You…really…want to know?

At the end of my 19th season, a little box pops up. At the top of it says “TIME TO RETIRE.”  The dialog states: “You’ve had a good run, but I think it’s time you called it quits.” The game then boots my sorry ass out to the menu screen. That’s it. No Hall of Fame, no retirement announcement, I don’t even get any sort of stats to record. The game just…ends. “Sorry, bitch! You think you accomplished something? Too bad! Now, get your pansy ass out to the game store and pre-order Madden NFL 11, or we’ll get LT to dance some more!”

Me: ……

FUCK YOU, TIBURON! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU! COME ON! HOW DO YOU GET RID OF THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT OF SUPERSTAR MODE AND GIVE SOMEONE WHO’S THROWN HUNDREDS OF HOURS PLAYING YOUR SHITTY FOOTBALL GAME THIS KIND OF TREATMENT!?!? I DON’T EVEN GET TO KNOW IF MY SCRAPPY LITTLE QUARTERBACK GOT TO THE HALL OF FAME! FUCK!

EDIT: Also, the game tries to play me for a fool by selling DLC that will delay your Superstar’s retirement for a year. I think EA takes pleasure in being evil, evil gaming overlords. Wouldn’t you agree?